Life is an adventure. A good life is worth selling the movie rights. These are my story notes.
There once was a website called “The International Rules” where the owner posts his ‘rules’ on life. He says he is going to turn his rules into a published book. He also deep-linked a picture of me into one of his posts without proper attribution. Such things garner my retribution. mod_rewrite is my friend, and Gilbert is my bitch.
I wonder, will he publish this page (NSFW now that I’ve had my way with it) in his book as-is?
-Chris
As the NSA and FBI fear, traditional crime organizations have been incorporating high-tech communication into their organizations. Although Janet Reno was quoted stating “This is law enforcement’s worst nightmare.”, techies around the world are sure to be pleased with one New York Syndicate’s new venture.
It all started when Don Dominiqi signed onto his AOL account last Monday morning. His inbox was filled with “Make Money Fast”, “Viagra On-Line”, and “Teenybopper Web Sex” ads. Lost amidst the drivel was an important note detailing a non-taxed shipment of Marlboros, which were later confiscated by the BATF. Little did he know, as he shouted “Bring me the left hand of this f*cking gutterslime!” what would become of it all.
Later that same day, Billy “Run!” Brutekowski and Larry “My Eyes!” Plucker cornered the pasty-faced offender of the Family in a small cyber cafe in Grenich Village. “This was by far the creepiest place the Boss has ever sent us.” stated Billy, who only spoke on condition of anonymity. “Everyone in this place looked pale and sickly, like they had already been ‘spoken to’. We asked for this punk, and several people quickly pointed him out. Most of the scum we find in gin joints aren’t so quick to finger one of their own,” Billy continued.
“He must not watch much TV, because this sh*t didn’t even flinch when we came to the corner he was hiding in,” Larry proceeded to relate. “We dropped this sheet of paper the Boss had given us on his table and he says ‘So you guys want to make money fast, eh?’ He puts out his and says to give him $20. This scrawny little dirtball tells me to give him $20!” Larry was quite agitated at this part in his story, and his description of how Sammy Spammer’s hand fell off was quite garbled.
Billy continued, “Up till now, this was a routine visit. We was just being playful. The weird sh*t began when we tried to leave.” “This pimply faced kid blocks the door as we try to leave, and I’m thinking to myself ‘Great, a f*cking Karate Kid hero. He just stand there, and then he hands me a $5 bill.” Billy pulls out the $5, and holds it like it is his first quarter from his favorite grandmother. “They lined up after that, and we had $175 in ‘tips’ when we left the joint.”
Later that day the Don himself visited the café, unwilling to believe the story. Although the details are unclear, sources at the café indicate that the Don has hired them to build and host a new Anti-Spam site. Through a SSL transaction system, the site will accept spam complaints and credit card donations towards ‘solutions to problems’. Multiple complaints against the same spammer are added to the total until an acceptable solution has been found.
Larry tells us that a typical $250 solution is a broken hand, and for $2000 all anyone ever sees again of ‘the problem’ are his shoes.
The URL is to be announced next week, and the cyber café’s phones have been jammed with requests for more information.
Originally posted to segfault.org
