The Wacky World of Chris Knight

A few weeks ago this was an ugly place. All I could find the energy to write about was painful introspection as I re-evaluated where I was in the Universe, how I got there, and what I was going to have to do if I decided I wanted to move to a different Spiral Arm of the Milky Way. Introspection is a messy process, and at least one of my friends thinks I’m crazy for being public about it. He may be right. I may be crazy. I might just be living an 80’s Billy Joel song.

So, after all that messy introspection, which has been taken off-line now that the rough spots are for the most part passed, I felt like I should let my friends know how I’m doing.

• I’ve abandoned Polyamory as a relationship style. It wasn’t fulfilling my particular relationship needs.
• I am going back to by birth name: Christopher Lee O’Halloran
• Mel and I are back together, better than ever before; and are in fact engaged to be married on January 12th.

I am sure I am leaving a few things out, but I have been putting this off long enough, and I just want to get something posted. For more information about Mel & I’s engagement, visit http://www.hausboheme.org/

-Chris

I’ve always thought that one of the defining points of being human is the ability to change not just the world around you, but yourself as well. Personalities develop, evolve and grow. If this were not the case the world would be full of full grown whining babies. (Hmmm… Gotta reconsider that point.) I know that I am not the person I was in high school, or college, or even five years ago. Having recently come back into contact with a group of friends I hadn’t seen in ten years I can say that they were similar, and recognizable, but obviously not the same people I knew back then. Change is part of life, and it is part of being human; and I have always believed that very deeply. I can’t understand someone who doesn’t like who they are, but believes so deeply that they can’t change themselves that they choose to use it as an excuse instead.

What are we if we can’t choose who we want to be?

I use this space to write about a lot of things: Geek tips, politics, and how I feel as I pass through this particular lifetime. When I have found myself in pain, and I felt that writing would ease the pressure, I have done so and I have left those words public. If I thought my words could possibly cast a negative light on someone, I have left that person’s name out. That is because I write this for myself. I post for self-understanding, not self-assurance; I don’t have to post my every activity cross-linked to everyone’s journal so that I can to prove to myself (and others) that I’m having a good life. I don’t mind the occasional comment on my journal, but I don’t post seeking them out. I don’t post ‘friends only’, where my audience is controlled and the responses will, in the majority, agree with me. I am the boy who called out that the Emperor has no clothes, and the last thing I want to do is surround myself with people who only comment when they agree. I frequently say the things other people won’t, and if that keeps me outside certain cliques than I’ll just have to consider that a bonus effect. (Please do not take my feelings about the LJ behavior of some people as a blanket condemnation of everyone that uses LJ. Like everything in life, there are those that use and those that abuse. There is no absolute one way or the other.)

My GFs tell me that I have been ‘called out’, by name, on someone’s LJ for writing about my feelings; and that supportive comments to that person have even offered to deliver physical harm on my person. I think that is entirely too sycophantic for my tastes, and demonstrates quite well why I don’t wish to be part of the LJ community.

I wrote about how I was feeling, at the time I was feeling it. I stated that I was feeling hurt, and the reasons I felt that way. I freely admitted to feeling small just for having those feelings. If I was part of the above mentioned poster’s clique this sharing of feelings and confronting strong painful emotion publicly would be commended, but since I’m not it seems my expression of feelings triggered some sort of fool’s rally cry. I find that sad; and I feel pity for the people who had to take my processing, on my journal, paraphrased and out of context, and use it to stir things up with D. You know who you are, and it is behavior like this that is the reason “you are beneath me” (to quote Buffy, who you hated so very much). Four years have passed since we last spoke, and in that time you have not found something better to do with your life? Grow up. Move on. Take the time to find something inside yourself to be happy about, so you don’t have to troll the journals of people you don’t like to find meager morsels of self validation.

-Chris